The past 67 days have been the most full of any 67 days of my life to this point.
I have cried, I have been angry, I have been confused, I have questioned everything ... but mostly I have been quiet. Sometimes the quiet has been a push everyone away and pout kind of quiet ... but sometimes the quiet has been a place of solace, of reflection and of healing.
I am not a still person.
But my world was halted and I was forced to be still.
And God is continuing to force me to really consider what drives me.
What is it inside of me that really makes me tick ... what really gives me satisfaction and contentment?
Is it Him?
Or is it my ability to accomplish bigger and bigger things?
Until this time in my life I have never let anything hold me back ... I have run marathons and ultramarathons ... I have brought my children to the other side of the world, I have finished nursing school in a year with 4 kids, I have worked 9 overnight 12 hour shifts in a row at the hospital, I have stayed up late, gotten up early and accomplished what so many told me was impossible.
But now I have been forced to sit. And think. And really analyze what is at the base of what I call myself.
And I wasn't always happy with what I found.
Because what I found when all that was stripped away was that I didn't really know what to do when there was nothing to "do."
And I was not sure if I could rely on the truth in Psalm 23 like I thought I could.
1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
Is the Lord My Shepherd really all I need? With him do I really lack nothing?
Sigh. I have spent a lot of time in the quiet thinking about this very thing over the past 67 days.
And I have learned to begin to like the quiet. And the questions that do not always have answers.
And I have only yet begun to hand back to Him the dreams I had for my life that really should have been His all along. The entire process has been terrifying ... yet at the same time it has been exactly what Psalm 23 promised it would be ... comforting. And refreshing.
